Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
