We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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