Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
