i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
