The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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