Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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