mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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