my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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