I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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