im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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