Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
