We won't sleep together?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize