I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
