we have pet lesbian snakes
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So vagazzling was a success
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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