We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
