yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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