You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
