My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
