The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
