My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
