dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
