I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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