im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
