my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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