it hurts more in the daytime
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
