Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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