got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
