I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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