Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
