Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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