i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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