He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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