The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
