Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
