Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
