I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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