Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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