I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
