they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
