Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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