the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
