Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
