I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
