Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
