he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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