Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize