Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
