I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
