The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
