I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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