just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
