I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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