arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
