theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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