I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
