I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
