Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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