O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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